The day.....

Dear Laura,
I was just going to post some recent pictures of you on here today, and continue your story tomorrow, but I decided to just continue today.
Just to clarify, Mommy's morning sickness did last 3 months, but only about a month of that was like major sickness. The rest of the time was just mild. So by time May rolled around, Mommy was feeling better, and it was time to go visit the specialist. Daddy was at work that day so Bubba, Nunu, and Brother stayed home with Grandma and Grandpa. Me and Mommy arrived at the hospital, checked in, and took a seat. I remember that we were talking and laughing. We were sooo excited to find out if you were a boy or a girl and we were beyond excited to see you! We had no need to worry. So we sat there talking and laughing.
From the beginning of Mommy's pregnancy, I prayed for you. I prayed that God would take care of you....and Mommy of course. And I prayed.....that you would be a girl :) Yes, I wanted a little sissy very badly! Before Mommy got pregnant, I thought for sure that I would never have a little sister because I was 17 and had all brothers so I thought that that was it....But God had other plans. Anyway, back to the specialist's office. When the nurse called us back, we went into another little waiting room in the back. We were in there for what seemed like forever before they called us to the ultrasound room. The nurse gave Mommy a gown. Mommy changed and then the nurse came into the room to do the ultrasound. She put the wand to Mommy's tummy and you came to life! Moving all around, sucking your thumb. So sweet....so precious.

The nurse was doing all the measurements she was supposed to be, but she was stopping a little longer in certain places than she should have been. Places including your little heart. The nurse was saying "Awww look she's sucking her thumb" "Awww look she's waving at you guys" Me and Mommy were beaming. You were perfect. But then, the nurse started talking about other stuff...stuff that we didn't understand. Thick nucal fold, calcification in the bowels, heart defect, on and on she went. She told us that she thought it was a possiblility that you could have a chromosomal abnormality. We didn't know what that meant. Well, Mommy might have but I sure didn't! By that time, we had a sinking feeling in our guts. How could things shift so quickly? We went from happy to scared in seconds. The nurse left the room to go get the doctor. Mommy looked at me...and I could see the tears in her eyes. She was scared too. We didn't know what any of this meant for you...for your future and your life. Would you be ok? Would you live? We had sooo many questions. The doctor came in and acted so calm about it all. Probably because he deals with things like that everday, but for us it was the first time ever receiving any kind of news like that. Dr. performed the ultrasound and he confirmed that he saw "abnormalities". He mentioned Down syndrome. I knew what that was, but I had never been around anyone that had Down syndrome. Well, except when I was in 3rd grade. Me and Bubba knew an 18 year old named Tabitha. She was in Bubba's 5th grade class at church. I remembered she was hard to understand when she talked, but she was sooo sweet. And that was all I had to go off of which wasn't a whole lot. The doctor told us to come back at 4 p.m. That was good because Daddy could come with us this time. Me and Mommy said nothing as we left the office. When we got into the elevator, Mommy broke down. I did not....could not. I had to be strong for Mommy. I'm not telling you this to make you sad, Laura. I am telling you this because it is a part of your story. We were not sad about you. We didn't not want you. We loved you. From the beginning we've loved you, and that is why we cried. We didn't understand. So we didn't know what to expect for this baby that we already loved sooo much. When we got to the parking lot, Mommy called Daddy and Grandma and cried some more. Nobody knew what to say or think. I drove home because Mommy could not. When we got home, Grandma and Mommy hugged for a very long time. I didn't know what to do so I stood there. I didn't cry in front of Mommy. I needed to be strong for her. So, I went upstairs, fell on my bed and cried. I cried because I didn't understand. I cried because I loved you so much and I hated the idea that I didn't know what was wrong with you....I didn't know what the future held for you. When I showed Grandma the picture of you above, she started crying. Grandma, too, didn't understand. When we went back to the doctor's, he confirmed what he already told us. He offered abortion, he offered an amnio. Mommy refused the abortion immediately. We didn't care what you had or anything, we loved you. God created you and abortion was NOT even an option. Mommy signed off on the amnio because she did not want to have one right away if at all. So she signed a paper confirming that she did not want one. That night, Mommy spent hours on the computer doing research. And of course, we read all the negative stuff. Stuff that we found out wasn't even true. But of course, the internet told us all the bad stuff. And it scared Mommy along with the rest of us. But if we would have known then what we know now? There would have been no worries, no tears. We would have known that you were going to be ok. Yes, there would be tough times, but nothing that God couldn't take care of. Me and Grandma worried about Mommy because we could tell that she was so sad. Mommy always got scared if any of us got a fever or anything, so this was so very scary for her....for Daddy...and for all of us. Mommy even read on one site that you would look nothing like us. That all kids with Down syndrome look nothing like their families....ridiculous huh? You look so much like a Quinn baby....and everybody says so. When you were a couple months old, some stranger said you looked like me and that made me sooo happy! And your friend, Lily, looks so much like her family, and all your other friends look so much like their families!
A few days after your diagnosis, cousin, Critter, graduated. I was excited to go because I knew that it would be a good distraction for all of us.

It would give us all a chance to celebrate Critter's graduation and not focus on the unknown. Life went on as we knew it would. But the unknown was driving us crazy. But all we could do was wait....so the waiting began.......


I love you to the moon and back 1,000 times x 10!

Love,
Sissy