To Love One Another

Dear Laura,
I took that picture of you last night. I just couldn't resist your sweet little face...so I went and grabbed my camera. I think you know when I'm gonna take a picture of you now because when I sat down there to take the picture, you just smiled and smiled. You're a little pro model now ;) I was thinking this morning about when we found out about your Down Syndrome. So I wanted to write to you what was on my mind. But before I start, I want to tell you this....I don't see you as having Down Syndrome. I don't see you as "different". I see you as my perfect, beautiful little sissy who I have hoped for ever since I was little. Down Syndrome to me is just like Bubba's psoriasis. Bubba is a guy with psoriasis. He is not a psoriasis guy. Just like you are a little girl with Down Syndrome. You are not a Down Syndrome girl. It does not make you who you are, just like Bubba's psoriasis does not make him who he is. With that in mind....I want to tell you my story :) I remember the day like it was yesterday. Daddy was at work, Bubba stayed home, and Grandma was watching Brother and Nunu. So just me and mommy went to that particular doctor appointment. It was with a "high risk" doctor, Dr. Brar, because mommy was over 35 so she was automatically considered high risk. I was sooo excited to find out if you were going to be a boy or a girl. Oh how I was excited! I wanted you to be a little girl soo bad. Ever since before Nunu was born, I wanted a little sister. But then he was born a boy, then Brother was born, and I thought for sure that I was destined to always have brothers :p I told mommy in the beginning of her pregnancy with you that I just knew you were going to be a boy! But to be honest, besides praying that you would be completely healthy, I prayed that you would be a little girl :) Anyway, I remember being so super excited that morning. I was about to find out if I would FINALLY have a little sister soon! Mommy was only 3 months along at the time, but I loved you already. I loved you from the time that I found out mommy was pregnany with you! I was the first one to find out you were in mommy's tummy because Daddy was at work when mommy took the pregnancy test :) Anyway, when me and mommy arrived at the doctors, mommy checked in and we took a seat together. I remember talking and laughing with her. It was an especially good day! We were both so excited to "see" you through ultrasound and find out if you were a little boy or girl! :) The nurse called us back and had us wait in a little room til we could be called back to the ultrasound room. It seemed like forever, but they finally called us into the room where we would get to "see" your cute little self :) Mommy put on a gown then the nurse came in to perform the ultrasound. She put the wand to mommy's tummy and you came to life on the screen. Oh so cute you were! So beautiful. Moving all around...sucking your thumb. I was smiling ear to ear! You were perfect....so perfect. The nurse was saying things to us about you sucking your thumb...and then she started talking a foreign language. Things we did not understand. Soft markers for a chromosomal abnormailty? What? Thick nucal fold, no nasal bone, calcification in your bowels, heart defect? I didn't want to believe what was happening. I didn't expect this or understand. After she had brought all these things to our attention, she told us that you were a girl. I would finally have a little sister....I was so happy, but so sad all at the same time. See, I had a friend back when I was in 3rd grade that had Down Syndrome, but I could barely remember her. Besides what I could remember from her, I didn't know what to expect. Dr. Brar came in to confirm what the nurse had just saw. By now, mommy was so worried. I could see it in her face. Tears welled up in her eyes. I wanted to be strong for mommy. I didn't cry, I just sat there. Dr. Brar asked us to come back at 4:00 p.m. to have another ultrasound...this time Daddy could go with us. We walked out of the room, out of the doctors office, and into the elevator. It was then that Mommy broke down. I tried to reassure her that everything was going to be okay, but at the same time...I was trying to reassure myself of the same thing. It's not that we would have loved you any less if you had Down Syndrome, Laura. Never. It was not that at all. We didn't want you to have it, but not because of us, but because of you. We didn't want you to have a hard time learning, a hard time talking. We didn't want you to have a heart defect because we knew that would mean health problems for you. We loved you SOOO much that we didn't want you to have those kind of struggles in life. We wanted you to be able to live a healthy life just like we had prayed for you since we found out that Mommy was pregnant with you. As we walked through the parking lot to our car, Mommy called Daddy, crying. Then, she called Grandma. I drove home...I knew that Mommy would not be able to see the road through tears. We lived with Grandma and Grandpa at the time so they were there to greet us when we got home. Grandma held Mommy. I stood there not knowing what to do. I walked upstairs to my room, fell on my bed, and cried.....because I didn't understand. If I would have known then what I know now....there would have been no tears. Oh sweet angel, if I just would have known then that you were going to be perfect and okay. But I didn't know that because I barely even knew what Down Syndrome was. At 4:00 p.m. we returned to Dr. Brar's office. He confirmed what we already knew. He told mommy that she could terminate the pregnancy....What?! That was the most ridiculous thing we had heard all day! We loved you so much, sweetie bug. No matter what, we knew we would ALWAYS love you...Down Syndrome or not. Heart defect or not. He even offered for Mommy to get an amnio. But she refused. She didn't see the point in putting your little life at risk, when no matter what, she would keep you. You were our baby. Our perfect baby girl. And nothing would or ever will change that. I love you so much, Laura Brianne. God made you perfect and beautiful, and we love you soo much. Don't ever believe anything other than just that. You were made in God's perfect image. You are HIS creation. People may say unkind words because people of this world are cruel. But always remember what sissy just said. You are a beautiful, perfect creation of God. I love you so much....forever and always....xoxo

Love,

Sissy