It hit me as I was sitting in our college service at church last night. As I was looking around at the people sitting around me, a thought came to my mind. Laura and Kamdyn are going to grow up, and one day be my age. They will be sitting at the college group at church.... Just the two of them. Alone. That thought scared me to death.
Then, my heart sank a little. For the first time since Laura's birth, I regretted the fact that I was not born closer in age to her. If only her and Kamdyn were only a couple of years younger than me. It scared me and made me sad that they will group up without me being there to be there for them every step of the way.... To do everything with them like my brother, Travis, who is 2 years older than me, has been there for me. I have loved knowing that I have him to do everything with me.
I won't be able to go to their first day of Jr. High at church with them or their first day of high school or their first night of college group. That thought makes me wish more than anything that we would have been closer in age. I wish that we could grow up together. Instead, by the time the reach Jr. High, I will be out on my own, married, with my own family. With my own kids to look after and take care of.
I decided to share my heart about this with my mom this morning. She told me something that really made me think. She told me that if we would have been born closer in age, I would have missed out on so much and that got me thinking. I could have watched videos of Laura dancing, but I would have never been able to laugh with her as she spun in circles that way that I do now. I could have seen pictures of Kami's Gotcha Day, but I never would have been able to cry tears of joy and feel that amazing feeling of knowing she was free as we walked her out of those gates. I would have been able to see pictures of Laura's birth, but I would never have been able to experience the relief I felt as I heard her cry for the first time. I wouldn't remember Laura's first smile, first laugh, first breath. I wouldn't remember Kami's first steps or first words. I wouldn't remember anything. If I did, the memories probably wouldn't be very vivid.
Then, I realized, I wouldn't change a thing. I am so thankful that things happened the way that they did. I would have hated to miss first words, first steps, and first smiles. I am so glad I got to experience the feeling of sadness when we found out Laura had Down syndrome or the joy I felt when I held Kamdyn for the first time. I can't stand the thought of thinking that I would have missed hearing Laura's sweet, first cry or missed seeing the way Kamdyn has blossomed so much these past 8 months.
As I began to question why things didn't turn out the way that I wanted them to, my mom helped me realize that actually they did turn out the way that I wanted them to. I will still be here by Laura and Kamdyn's sides through everything they do. It may not be in the same way as it would have been had we been born closer in age, but it will be in the way that God intended for it to be. I am so thankful that God knows what He is doing, and that everything happens in His perfect timing. I have no regrets. How could I when I get to live my life loving these two and being loved by them every single day?
Then, my heart sank a little. For the first time since Laura's birth, I regretted the fact that I was not born closer in age to her. If only her and Kamdyn were only a couple of years younger than me. It scared me and made me sad that they will group up without me being there to be there for them every step of the way.... To do everything with them like my brother, Travis, who is 2 years older than me, has been there for me. I have loved knowing that I have him to do everything with me.
I won't be able to go to their first day of Jr. High at church with them or their first day of high school or their first night of college group. That thought makes me wish more than anything that we would have been closer in age. I wish that we could grow up together. Instead, by the time the reach Jr. High, I will be out on my own, married, with my own family. With my own kids to look after and take care of.
I decided to share my heart about this with my mom this morning. She told me something that really made me think. She told me that if we would have been born closer in age, I would have missed out on so much and that got me thinking. I could have watched videos of Laura dancing, but I would have never been able to laugh with her as she spun in circles that way that I do now. I could have seen pictures of Kami's Gotcha Day, but I never would have been able to cry tears of joy and feel that amazing feeling of knowing she was free as we walked her out of those gates. I would have been able to see pictures of Laura's birth, but I would never have been able to experience the relief I felt as I heard her cry for the first time. I wouldn't remember Laura's first smile, first laugh, first breath. I wouldn't remember Kami's first steps or first words. I wouldn't remember anything. If I did, the memories probably wouldn't be very vivid.
Then, I realized, I wouldn't change a thing. I am so thankful that things happened the way that they did. I would have hated to miss first words, first steps, and first smiles. I am so glad I got to experience the feeling of sadness when we found out Laura had Down syndrome or the joy I felt when I held Kamdyn for the first time. I can't stand the thought of thinking that I would have missed hearing Laura's sweet, first cry or missed seeing the way Kamdyn has blossomed so much these past 8 months.
As I began to question why things didn't turn out the way that I wanted them to, my mom helped me realize that actually they did turn out the way that I wanted them to. I will still be here by Laura and Kamdyn's sides through everything they do. It may not be in the same way as it would have been had we been born closer in age, but it will be in the way that God intended for it to be. I am so thankful that God knows what He is doing, and that everything happens in His perfect timing. I have no regrets. How could I when I get to live my life loving these two and being loved by them every single day?
2 comments:
Beautiful, inspirational testamony of the longest, closest relationship between any humans; siblings!
Ashley, my brother is 4 years older than me. he was born in 1954 and me in 1958. back then there was no early intervention and minimal special ed of any kind. the obgyn was useless with any assistance with parenting an infant with downs. when mom became pregnant with me, she was terrified that she would have another child with downs. however it was God's plan for my brother and I to learn to walk and talk together. our oldest brother is still our hero and we both look up to him as he is now our head of our family.your relationships with your sisters will change, but your devotion of them will be lifelong!!!
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